The Boiling Pot of Insanity
by paperchik
Summary: “You built a time machine out of DeLorean?” Embry gasped appreciatively. “Dumbo,” Leah muttered, rolling her eyes. “It's a Suburban.” ...in which Jacob and the pack go on an adventure and do extremely stupid stuff at the same time. Rated T to be safe.
1. Slushee Fun

Jacob stared miserably out his grimy, greasy, dirtily filthy window, which hadn't been cleaned in at least seven years. It had been three years since Bella had left, and he was still staring. He had just turned his face back to the dusty T.V. screen when his two buddies, Quil and Embry, burst into the room, plastic shopping bags and slushee cups clenched in their large hands.

"Yo, Jacobo. I got you cherry this time, 'cuz it's your favorite," Quil announced to the bleak-looking Jacob.

"Dude," Jacob muttered ungracefully. "You suck. You know that blueberry's my favorite. I told you that last time." Quil looked somewhat mournfully at the large cup he was holding. "Whatever," he said, and tossed it back, plastic and all.

"We also brought you Cheetos," Embry added. Jacob was suddenly all ears.

"Flamin Hot?" he asked. Embry nodded.

"Hot damn! Hand 'em over."

Suddenly, Bella, who had been gone for three years, climbed through the window gracefully.

"Woah," Jacob said, his mouth hanging open, Cheeto hanging out.

Bella looked at Jacob, her eyes full of love, and gave him a big, vampire hug.

"Ew," Embry muttered.

"I've missed you so much, Jakie!" Bella exclaimed, and Quil choked rather visibly with disgust.

"Hold on, hold on," Jacob sputtered, spraying Cheeto crumbs over the room. "Where's Edward?" Bella's eyes filled with tears.

"He left me!" she sobbed. "For another woman. It was awful!" she wailed.

"Stupid no-good bloodsucker," Jacob muttered, and Bella stiffened.

"Don't call him that!" she exclaimed. Jacob looked thoroughly confused. "Why not? He left you."

"But...but I still love him! I've even got a shrine..." her voice trailed off as she looked at the floor gloomily. It helped that the carpet was a very gloomy shade of dirty (are you seeing a pattern here?) burnt orange.

"Hey!" Jacob exclaimed. "Stop looking at my carpet gloomily. I picked it out," he announced proudly, and Quil choked again in disgust.

"Ricola?" Jacob offered, holding out the bag. "Sure," Quil muttered embarrassedly, and stuck it in his mouth. "Mmhhmm," he said.

"Yep. They're cherry. They were half-price down at the drugstore."

Bella rolled her eyes in a gloomy manner.

"Anyway," she continued. "I came back because I still love you, and want to be with you." It was Embry who choked this time.

"I'm afraid that's out of the question," Jacob replied firmly.

"But...why?" she whispered, her beautiful golden eyes wide with confusion.

"Argh!" Jacob exclaimed. "Stop looking at me like that. You can't stay because you're a vampire. Duh," he said, looking at her like she was stupid. (She probably is.)

"But I thought you loved me," she said, in a lost tone.

"I did. But that was when you were human. So get out before I rip you to shreds." He growled fiercely. (At least, he _tried_ to be fierce. Three years of sitting on a bed drinking blueberry slushies darn near knocks the fierceness out of you.)

Bella rolled her eyes once more.

"Fine," she sniffed, and jumped back out the window.

"Phew," Embry muttered. "I'm glad she's gone. All that fluffy gloominess was starting to go to my head."

"Mine too," Jacob said, and turned back to the T.V. "Cheeto anyone?" he asked absentmindedly, holding out the bag.


	2. Bob the Builder

(A/N:) Heya! I decided to add another chapter. There may be more to come after this...

Review!! Enjoy!!

The next day, when Jacob was sitting on his bed eating Cheetos and watching _Bob the Builder,_ mainly because he had nothing better to do, Bella intruded once more upon his personal space.

"Hey by-atch, I thought I told you not to come back!" he exclaimed in a very annoyed tone. "And you're blocking the screen," he added as an afterthought.

"Oh, sorry," Bella muttered. "Is this the episode where Bob saves the tractors from a bad case of the measles?" she asked curiously.

"Yep," he replied happily. "It's my favorite."

Bella rolled her eyes again, mainly because she couldn't think of anything cooler to do.

"I am very gloomy today," she announced, looking once more at his immensely hideous carpet.

"Hey!" Jacob yelled at the ceiling. "It's not hideous!"

Oops. You could hear that?

"You betcha," he muttered darkly. "What were you saying?" he asked Bella.

"I said that I'm very gloomy today. Don't you men ever listen?" she snapped in a tone that seemed somewhat angry.

"What?" Jacob said. "Sorry, I was just watching the part where Bob makes out with that one tractor thingie."

"Ooh, really?" Bella asked curiously, mainly because she couldn't think of another tone to ask it in, and peered at the screen hypnotically.

"Wow," she muttered. "He's getting a bit of tongue in there." She turned to Jacob.

"Do tractors have tongues?" she asked.

"I don't know," he muttered. "Why don't you _leave_, so you can go find out," he hinted.

"You don't want me around?" she asked mournfully, her big, beautiful, golden eyes filling with tears.

"Stupid bloodsucker," Jacob muttered. "Vampires can't cry." "Oh, yeah," Bella said. "I guess that plan was foiled."

"Anyway, you smell like you've rolled around in rat poison. Get out before I die from the horrible fumes," he over exaggerated, waving his pillow in front of his face like a fan. However, he didn't achieve the suave look he was going form because he accidentally hit him self in the face with it. Unfortunately, the pillow was the exact same shade as his carpet, and just as dirty.

"Ew," Jacob moaned, chucking the pillow across the room. It flew through the open door, and hit Billy, knocking him and his wheelchair down a flight of very long stairs.

"Damn," Jacob muttered. "I thought this was a one story house."

"It is," Bella announced in a mysterious voice. "I wonder where those came from."

"Shouldn't you go see if Billy is all right?" she asked worriedly, peering at his crumpled form.

"Nah," Jacob shrugged, and shoved the rest of the Cheetos in his overly large mouth.

"Can I have some?" Bella asked meekly. Jacob stared at her weirdly.

"Vampires don't eat either," he said slowly, as if she was a child.

"Oh yeah," Bella said surprisedly. "I keep forgetting."

"Stupid," Jacob murmured, and made a 'shoo shoo' motion with his hands. "Get out," he said crabbily.

"Fine," Bella sniffed again. "But I will be back," she warned, waving her finger under his nose, and jumped out the window.

"Blerghhghg," Billy mumbled at the bottom of the steps.

"Shut up old man!" Jacob called. "This is the good part!"


	3. Rappers Unite

(A/N:) mwahahaha!! Another chapter.

Don't forget to review...

Overall, Jacob was having a pretty good day. He had finally decided to come out of his room, mainly because the carpet was making him nauseous. Either that or the heavy layer of Cheeto dust everywhere.

"S'up diggity dog?" Seth said excitedly when he saw Jacob. "Me an da homies been missin ya."

Jacob gave him a big smile, and everybody (except for Leah) dropped dead from shock, because he hadn't smiled in three years. Either that or it was his breath.

"You think that's cool?" Leah snorted derisively, 'cause that's what she did best.

"Watch this," she said, and pulled off her shirt.

"Woah," everyone said, because they had somehow magically risen from the dead.

"What _are_ those?" Little Colin squeaked. Brady nodded numbly in agreement. Leah rolled her eyes and put her shirt back on, which was much appreciated by the pack.

"I'm blind," Embry moaned, and ran into a tree.

"You're dead," Quil said in a friendly tone, inspecting his friend's skull, which had burst open, even though this is impossible.

"Hey," Jacob said. "I thought that was impossible."

"Not at the speed he was going," Sam said wisely, and turned to Leah. "This is all your fault!" he accused regally, because he is obviously some sort of werewolfy king.

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Not."

"Is."

"Not."

"Is."

"N..."

"-shut up!" exclaimed Jacob in a somewhat annoyed tone. He was only somewhat annoyed, because he secretly enjoyed watching them fight.

"-anyway," Sam continued. "It's all your fault, because you took off your shirt, thus blinding him."

"Whatever," Leah muttered, inspecting her nails. "I never liked him anyway."

Jacob did some sort of choking gasping thingy.

"How could you?" he asked sadly, and went to go weep over his fallen friend's corpse.

"You're all a bunch of ninnies," Leah spat, and stalked off, because that's what girls do.

Embry suddenly raised his head up. "Whuzzgoin on?" he muttered. "Jacob, why are you crying?"

Jacob wailed even louder. "You're leaking brain fluid all over my best shirt!" he sobbed, and curled up in a fetal position on the ground.

"Bad luck, homie G," Seth said.

"Fo shnizzle," Paul said, 'cause he's tough.

Everyone looked at Jared.  "What?" he said self-consciously. "I was never into rap."

Jacob wailed even louder.

"Ohhhh, wwhhhyy did yoouuuu leeeaaaavvvee meeeeeeeeeee," he sang off tune. "Wwwwhhhhyyyy ddiidd yyyooouuu leeeeeaaaavvee meeeee allllll alooooooooonnneeee."

"What's with him?" Sam asked the pack.

"I dunno," Jared said confusedly, because he likes to act British.

"Homie G over der is inna bad mood today," Seth said prophetically. "Wut we gon do 'bout it?"

"I know!" said Quil excitedly. "Let's go get some ice cream!"

Everyone agreed that this was a wonderful idea, and they all set off.

-Ten minutes later-

"What do you mean, fifty-four dollars and sixty-nine cents? That's ridiculous!" Sam argued. The ice cream lady just shrugged and popped her gum. Grumbling, Sam handed over the money. He whirled around to face the guys.

"You better enjoy this ice cream, for what I'm paying for it. Emily's going to kill me," he moaned. "I spent all her grocery money."

They all nodded in agreement.

"Yum," Jacob said. "Cheeto flavored ice cream."

"All da boyz inna hood say what!!" Seth broke in happily.


	4. Walmart, Bread Co, and DevilWomen

Disclaimer: I own none of this. NONE.

--

The next day, as Jacob was perusing the vast mysteriousness that is Walmart, Bella snuck up behind him and gave him another big Vampire hug.

"Ew!" Jacob screamed girlishly, and hid behind a furniture polish display.

"But Jacob," Bella whined. "I want to be with you!"

"Go away, stupid vampire by-atch," he said venomously, and bared his wolfy teeth, which were yellow, because he hadn't brushed them in a while.

"Waaah," she said, and then stopped suddenly. "Wow," she breathed. "There's a sale on dishrags."

"Really?" Jacob asked excitedly. "I've been meaning to get some new ones ever since Paul used them as toilet paper."

"Ew," Bella said, wrinkling her nose cutely. "Whatever happened to Billy?" she asked curiously, because, once again, she couldn't think of another tone to ask a question in. Stupid Vampire by-atch.

"Oh," Jacob shrugged. "He's still at the bottom of the stairs. He keeps moaning for someone to help him, but I know he's just putting on an act so he can get his Social Security check."

"Hm," Bella said sagely.

"Homie G's!" Seth exclaimed as he popped out of a nearby washer, which was on display. "Wus up in da hood?"

"Hey, how'd you fit in there?" Jacob asked. Seth eyed him mysteriously. "I have my ways," he said, and then burst out into a verse of "Solja Boy.'

Jared suddenly appeared from over by the cosmetics and joined Seth, singing a verse of 'Hey Jude', because he is an awesome British Werewolf dude.

Suddenly, Quil appeared in a big puff of smoke.

"Hey!" he said. "I have an idea!" (He always has the ideas.)

"Let's go to Bread Co.!" he said excitedly, and they all agreed that this was a very fine idea indeed.

-Ten minutes later-

"Sixty-nine dollars and seventy-eight cents?!" Sam exclaimed irately. "That's ridiculous!"

The guy at the counter shrugged and popped his gum loudly. Grumbling, Sam handed over the money.

"You better enjoy those bagels," he said sternly. "Cause I just spent all of my retirement fund."

Meanwhile, Embry had just stuffed two loaves of bread in his mouth at the same time, and Paul was flicking sesame seeds at passerby's, cackling evilly all the while.

"That's not very nice," Bella said in a whiny tone.

Paul scowled and turned to Jacob.

"You're stupid bloodsucker girlfriend is annoying me," he complained.

"She's not my girlfriend," Jacob said huffily. "She just tagged along."

"Speaking of girlfriends," Embry said ominously, even though he wasn't in the conversation.

"There come ours right now," he finished. In the distance, they could see three people coming towards them at a breakneck pace, whips in hand.

"Sam!" Emily screeched. "You better get home right now!"

"But why?" he whined miserably.

"Because I say so," she said coldly, her nostrils flaring as she stared him down.

"Yes ma'am," he said meekly, and curled up in a ball on the floor, whimpering.

"Hey," Bella said. "Isn't she a little young to have a whip?" she asked, pointing to the five year old Claire, who had a murderous look on her little face.

"Quil!" she screeched. "You forgot to read me my bedtime story!"

"Holy mother of god," Quil whispered when he saw her, his face going white.

"Kim darling," Jared said calmly to the irate girl in front of him. "Back away and put the whip down. You're going to hurt someone."

Her face was twisted into a snarl.

"No," she said, and cracked her whip loudly.

Five minutes later, after Sam, Jared, and Quil had left with their devil-women, the pack had decided to go to the mall.

"It'll be fun!" Quil said, because he was the one who had had the idea in the first place.

"Besides," he added slyly. "I stole Sam's wallet."

Everyone cheered and they got up to leave.

"Jacob?" Embry asked. "You coming?"

"Cheetos," Jacob replied absentmindedly.

--

(A/N:) Haha! Fourth Chapter.

You guys know the drill...


	5. The Mall! pt 1

In a galaxy far far away... Oh right.

--

"The Mall!" Brady squealed, (Or maybe it was Collin. Hard to tell.) since he had a habit of doing so.

"Shut up you guys," Jacob Growled, with a capital G. "Or girls. I don't really know what you two are."

"Okay," they chorused in somewhat girrly voices. (With two r's, because I really don't feel like going back and fixing it.)

In the distance, the mall loomed like a dead pit bull, overlooking the seemingly tiny and innocent town below it. (I know, right? I actually got that from a Rick Steves guidebook.)

In the back seat of the car, Brady and Collin quivered with undisguised fear. Leah rolled her eyes, and sighed in a defeated way.

"This is stupid," she announced wearily, even though she wasn't tired.

Quil, in the front seat, had started bouncing up and down in excitement.

"OMC, the mall!" he screeched as soon as it was in view, even though he should have said it about five minutes ago, because that was when the mall was first sighted.

"Stupid," Leah muttered in reply to his late outburst. Quil ignored her derisive comment and started clapping his hands together and barking like an over zealous seal.

Leah had started pulling at her hair and pounding her fists against the window, chanting "No! Please, no!"

"Crazay bee-yatch," Seth intoned.

"True dat," Paul agreed wholeheartedly.

"Bloody hell," Jared said, his eyes getting wide. (His role model, as you can probably tell, is Ron Weasley.)

"The Mall of America," he stated in awe.

"Ooh," the whole car chorused. (You have to imagine this one. Hilarious!)

As soon as Jacob parked the car, they all stampeded towards the entrance.

"OMC!" Embry said dramatically. "They're having a sale at Bath & Body Works!" he cried, pointing towards the garishly pink window display.

"'Ey," Jared said. "How did we get from Washington to Minnesota or Michigan or whatever M state it's in so quickly?"

A few other werewolves nodded in agreement. I would say their names, but I don't really feel like it.

"That's for me to know, and you to never find out," Jacob said grimly.

"Pweeeeeessseee?" they all chorused. Jake sighed in annoyance.

"Okay fine," he said. "Time travel," he announced majestically.

"Ooooohhhh," they all said.

"You built a time machine out of DeLorean?" Embry gasped appreciatively.

"Dumbo," Leah muttered, rolling her eyes. "It's a Suburban."

"Whatev," Embry muttered embarrassedly.

"Wait," Jared said. "You can't get from one place to another using time travel!"

Jacob looked around sheepishly. "Yes you can. Now let's go inside."

As soon as they got inside, Bella jumped out from behind a large potted plant.

"Jacob!" she squealed.

"Aaaahhhhh!!" he exclaimed, and hid behind a rather nice specimen of Hydrangea.

"Jaaacccooobbbb," she whined. She started to walk over to him, but was promptly run over by an old lady in an electric wheelchair.

"Haha," Paul sniggered in the voice of that kid from _the Simpsons_.

"Ew," Brady and Collin chorused, surveying the Bella pancake which was now occupying a rather large space on the floor.

Meanwhile, Jared, Embry, Seth, Quil, and Paul were doing a rigorous happy dance that involved a lot of jigging.

"Can't touch this," Seth said in his gangster voice.

Bella suddenly unpeeled herself from the floor.

"Aww," they all chorused.

"Yes!" Bella exclaimed. "'Tis I, Bella the Magnificent! With a capital M!"

"Yeah," Jacob snorted. "And I'm Edmund the Just. And she's Susan the Wise. And she's Lucy the whatever that I can't remember at the moment," Jacob said, pointing to random hot chicks.

"But my name is Candy," one of the hot chicks protested.

"Fine," Jacob sighed. "Candy the Retarded."

The pack guffawed in synchronization. The blonde looked confused for a moment, and walked away scratching her head.

"Do you know how to kill a blonde?" Jacob asked the pack.

"No," they replied.

"You...oh darn, I forgot the rest of the joke."

"Anyway," he continued.

"Let's go to..."

But he never got to finish the rest of his sentence.

--

To be continued...

--

(A/N:) Stay tuned for the next installment! Even more hilarity and stolen movie/music quotes coming right up!

Anyway, thanks for reviewing, you guys are da bestest. No, really.


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